So I have to be real – I always try to be, when my heart starts to beat and the heaviness comes in my soul – I pay attention nowadays and ask God to show me what is up with me.
The truth is that I am finding myself feeling rather lonely throughout this season of my life. I think a lot of mothers feel this way. Lives become very consumed with children, household responsibilities, working, etc. All of those things are good things and they are part of our calling and responsibilities – but I think we need to pay more attention to the need that we all have for friends who really know our souls.
I can say honestly the right now I have one. We see each other maybe once a month – maybe every other month. I don’t have to keep up a smiley face for her, I’m allowed to whine, to complain about things to talk about irritations, sadness and frustrations – she doesn’t give me advice, or qualify/disqualify things I’m saying, most often she just sits her coffee, nods her head and says, “me too”.
Women need other women. We don’t just need women as mere acquaintances, we need women with that we can cry with, we need women who don’t care if we’re in a bad mood, we need women who welcome us into their hearts. It’s not easy to do this. I have to admit that from time to time I tried to get closer to certain women in my life and pretty soon I find out that the depth of our friendship is only going to go so far. And I respect that because everyone is at a different place. The main reason that women don’t trust other women is because they’ve been hurt by other women. But I think the real lie is feeling that keeping up walls and boundaries somehow keep us safe. I find that they keep me pretty lonely.
Some days I’d rather feel hurt and then work through a difficult issue with a friend, then feel nothing and not have a friend to work out difficult issues with. I need some more soul friends, heart sisters… So I’m praying that not only will God bring some of these ladies in my life, but that I would become one. Sometimes we need to make the first step. I work full time, I lead a weekly women’s Bible study, I have two boys in baseball and a husband who runs a Little League – I have 1 million reasons why don’t have time to sit down for a meaningful conversation with another female. But all of these reasons are total junk in light of the fact that the Lord has created me with a need for friendship, fellowship and communion with other women.
I don’t know if there’s anyone else out there struggling with the same thing – but I just felt like I needed to put it out there. What can we do about this? We need to open up, reach out, make space and take risks. This past Sunday at church I gave my testimony. It’s been a long time since I’ve given my testimony. I’ve gotten to become a fairly comfortable speaker and there’s been a good amount of time between my life now as a fairly strong Christian and my past hurts and struggles – I was fairly certain that I would be able to deliver a powerful spirit-filled testimony without cracking a tear.
But the truth is that – I was only a few words in and I started to cry. It dawned on me today that a large reason that sharing my testimony filled me with so much emotion was the fact that it felt so good to be open, honest and intimate with others. I think my tears were related to my struggles and to the blessings of my testimony, but I think they also spoke very loudly about the simple fact that my heart is lonely for friendship, closeness with others.