Every night when all is quiet, I tip toe into your room and stare at you sleeping. You are both sprawled on Lincoln’s bed, stuffed animals all around… Benji- you are holding “blankie” and Lincoln- you are lying diagonal on the bed, my little contortionist. You breathe softly and I feel my heart well up in my throat. Every.Night. You take my breathe away. I look at you and I see features of myself and your Daddy and I am IN.AWE. that somehow we created such beauty.
In those quiet moments, I sometimes drop to my knees and I close my eyes to pray. My heart aches for things I should have said or should have said differently. I think about how you wanted me to lay down just for “five more minutes” and I was irritated and I think about how funny you were wrestling each other and how angry I was when you were irritated with each other and I think how much did MY irritation breed YOUR irritation and I am HUMBLED and FLAT OUT SCARED and FLAT OUR DESPERATE FOR GOD’S GRACE.
I thank God for your sweaty heads, laying in a comfy bed, in a warm house, sheltered from the storm outside and I think about the storm inside and how the Enemy is always pounding on our home, trying to soak us to the core with His lies and empty promises.
And I think about whether I should have turned off the TV and spent more time playing with you instead of trying to escape for a minute on my phone…and I remember that even Mama’s need a time out and that I don’t have to be perfect.
I remember how I read you the story of Moses and how God made water come from the rock and how we need to look to Jesus and not to the World and you said, “Mommy I have no idea what you are talking about, can I please watch Ninja Turtles now” but how you stopped playing Leggo’s and leaned closer when I read from the Bible and how I just hold on to the promise that God is co-parenting with me and that the Holy Spirit is moving even when I think I am totally losing your attention. And I remember how Benji thanked Jesus for dying on the cross last night at bedtime and I remember that as long as I am speaking the truth, you are hearing it.
I remember to let God do the watering and growing…
In the stillness I feel love and peace overflowing and thankfully that feeling is stronger than the regrets and the sorrows of the day.
I remember how you, my boys are “eternity with skin on” and how everyday I am blessed to witness real, life evidence of God’s beauty in your giggles and in your strong wills, in your peace and in your fight for independence. There is God there, you are growing and longing for guidance even when you resist it. Just.Like.Your.Mama. at times…
I stand on the promises I have learned and I try to BELIEVE in these moments that the LOVE OF GOD MY FATHER is like this, BUT EVEN BIGGER. And if this Mama can love so much that it hurts and heals and burns and frees all at once that MY GOD SURELY LOVES ME SOMETHING MIGHTY. And I thank God for the mighty moments of mothering.
You, my sons, are my sweet taste of Heaven on Earth. I will never forget these moments and how HOLY IS THIS GROUND, on the floor, next to your toys, and wrappers, and diapers and dirt. I remember that the holiest of moments can happen, even among the DIRT of our lives…when we CHOOSE TO LOOK TO YOU.
I LOVE YOU,